Three Bearded Men Told Me

The general consensus of the old and wise seems to denounce the value of material items. Personally, I think they’re just sad they stopped believing in Santa. If nothing else, I could survive on the stacks, piles, and other arrangements of accumulated junk that sits everywhere in my life. I’m serious, piles as big as an elf. Ho ho. Ho.

I’ll try to describe how I’ve been feeling lately, without getting too emotional. I feel like I have the entire Power Ranger toy collection (which I do) except one piece, Zordon (might as well be God, which I don’t). It’s like when someone tells you “Merry Christmas” but you aren’t a christian. It’s when you have presents and well wishes for someone who isn’t coming home anymore. Something just isn’t right, your mouth tastes funny, your skin is dry, and overall, your mind reeks of rotting thoughts. That’s how I was feeling, just a little off– nothing major. Something was missing.

I won’t get warm and fuzzy and say that it’s here; I did get a lot of nice gifts though. More than anything, though, I wanted you, perhaps just a phone call. Alright– enough! So I threw everything in my room out. Okay, not everything, but a ton of stuff. It seems the old and wise have a thing or two down, because I feel absolutely no different, but I think I feel different! Isn’t that the beauty, I’ve fooled myself into cleaning my junk! Oh, universe! Likewise, I’ve been doing some mental inventorying. I’m a fucking Nazi; I apologize people.

They (the old and wise) also say that forgiveness is key, especially in this time of year. Well first, what the hell is so special about this time of year? Yes, I like it much better than any other time, but Jesus? not so much. On that note, I think forgiveness should come everyday of the year. Here it comes…I forgive you. I’ll say it was mostly my fault, I’ve said sorry, and I also don’t ever think it will leave me alone. What was done was monstrous, and it’s created a monst– erm, me. What’s changed then, if I still feel as sour about it? I understand why, now, and I forgive you. It was foolish to think I was the only person who loved, and I forgive you. I forgive you.

I have more colleges to finish applying to. If you feel like it, I really do want a phone call for Christmas, even if you are Jewish, Muslim, or an atheist.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, to all.

Cusp

It wasn’t the happy I was going for, but I’ll take it. I think I’d give a lot to live this way and forget what happened in the past; things are rebuilding and I like it. I think I also have a big part of me that wants to be in an Arthurian Legend. Don’t be surprised if the world blows up tomorrow.

Silent Sigh

I wish I knew some people better, and some, I wish I never knew at all. If I were a better person, would I think this much?

And finally, I’d like to say it’s really all in the title. I didn’t expect anything anyway, but that doesn’t stop the sigh.