limerence n. Psychology the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically involuntary, and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

Sparks in the Mud

Sometimes, I think we are God. I think that the collective human population has tricked itself into thinking that some larger than life character is up there striking percussionists dead with bolts of lightening. Somehow, we all have survived together, formed bonds of communication, laws to which we must abide, and feelings and cravings that other living beings don’t have. I think the power to will things happy (for those that know of the ice crystals, this is it) is in all of us; I think it’s God. Every God every fought about, preached on, and worshiped. We’ve only forgotten how important we are. You’ve forgotten how important you are.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Do you understand that feeling where everything is right? You are neither anxious for yesterday, nor longing for tomorrow? It is in this state where everything makes sense, for we are in control of the element in which we exist. More, existence moves into something more beautiful than words alone have power to describe. When I feel the spark within me reaching out to someone else, to shield them, strengthen them, or to teach them, I feel safe. When I see the spark someone else gave me doing something else for a new person, I feel like everything else makes sense. It’s connection, it’s love. It’s the most important thing that there is.

More Umbrellas

While I’ve been on a track of honesty, I’ll admit something. Parting really bothers me. Being canceled on hurts. Being left, people leaving destroys me. Sometimes, even the little things that don’t bother most people reduce me to a pathetic, smothered pile of tears and loneliness. How’s that for a mental image? I’ve been like this ever since I was little and my first grade teacher made fun of me when I asked where my mom went, and come to think of it, I’m positive I cried about leaving all kinds of people even before that. It’s not bad, and it is grounded in true and honest feelings of love, but it does make things really hard sometimes.

It’s really funny how the first time and the most recent time I admitted my love were under an umbrella. Before, I was hiding from people, hiding the most important thing I could from one of the most important person in my life. Now, I’ve been hiding behind an umbrella of guilt, shame, remorse; fear, anxiety, and loneliness. It’s not how I want to spend my life, and I’m sorry I’m so selfish, but if it makes any difference, it’s for easy things like time at lunch, phone calls, and friendship mail. I just told someone that I loved them. This time it wasn’t as clear as the last, but I mean every syllable– every phoneme of it. Sometimes, I can’t believe what I’ve done out of fear, fatigue, and loneliness. I know it can’t ever go away, but I hope this helps you remember what I am about: all the umbrellas in London couldn’t hide my love for you. So what if we don’t have time to always talk, go to lunch, punch each other, or visit our gobs of friends. I’m in your heart, and you’re in mine. That’s some place no one can ever leave.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”