Depart

“We go now, quietly into the night. Don’t look back. We leave Roswell today. Split up; if they catch one of us maybe they don’t catch all of us.”

“What about our friends left–”

“No one cares about you anymore, you’ve wasted your breathe just saying it. They won’t accept a freak.”

I can’t tell you how I really feel, because that would be considered selfish. I can’t tell you what I really want to, because I’m afraid of being labeled. Maybe I’m seeing something that’s not really there, and maybe I’m making this all up. I know people are saying, “oh no, he’s upset a-fucking-gain”, but I don’t really think that’s it. I just feel really let down? I’m not really sure, but for now, I think I need it all to go away. And since it won’t, I’ll go away instead.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’ll see you sometime next year, or so I hope.

Connect

I see you alone
isolated in the crowd, I can’t help but
feeling your pain, and from my observation
my heart turns livid.

Walls close down as those around you
grow apart— all alone, a disorganized chaos.
You dangle, as bait on a hook,
all alone.

You don’t know my name, you’re far too concerned
with them.
But I know you, I know your pain. We know it.
You own me.

More than anything in the entire world, people want to connect. Some will make mass public requests, others will buy expensive things to impress people. Some will write letters, and some will end their lives. And even so, the one thing that people always say is simple: “will someone, just one person, please understand me!” Nothing hurts more than when people choose not to for whatever reason.

Knowing people is really expensive, and it taxes who I am. I want to become a mute. Even so, I want you to know me, to be with me, and to understand me. That’s why I write here; I keep the hope that even though you completely miss me in real life, you might catch me here. A lot of times, I think you do, but it’s a huge misconception on my part. You’re just doing your best to live, and worse, others come first. It breaks my heart, so incredibly much.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
missing me one place search another.
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

Too Late

Had I have just taken a bit longer, it wouldn’t have happened.

If I had moved an inch to the left, my eye would be missing. If we had looked for the hat longer, my face wouldn’t be going numb. If I hadn’t been so jealous at a perfect couple, I’d not be afraid of the road anymore.

What if there were no hypothetical questions? I really hate thinking like this, but it comes for me at night. I can’t get it out of my head.

Shivers

Has anything ever caused you to feel small, quell in your seat, and just shiver? Sometimes, the effect will start in your spine and spread through your body, and other times it will start in the head moving to your toes. The power is overwhelming and can do more than make you cower. More often than not, I feel connected to something much bigger than myself.

I’m going to play the nerd-card here and say music does this for me a lot. Nearly every-time I feel tingly all over is when I’m listening to something with extraordinary meaning. Does this explain away the place Marching Band has in my heart? Not really, no, we don’t play music per say, not this kind. A lot of times, it’s more that just music anyway.

Have you ever really understood what someone has said or really, not said? I was watching Roswell (and no, not all my life is based in alien make-believe), and Maria watches her best friend, Liz, open an acceptance letter from Northwestern. She said congratulations to Liz, but you could just feel her soul drop. Did Liz really mean it when she said, “of course we’ll always have each other.” Recently, I’ve become worried about the incredible sense of dread I get from the thought over-boding thought of leaving people. And while part of me can acknowledge that people probably don’t care for me in the same way (thus meriting less worry), I still feel miserable thinking about that. I understood what Maria didn’t say as she watched the most important person in her life leave her, while she had to smile about it. I got shivers.