Is it enough to want to do something, despite a lack of talent?

I don’t know why, but language fascinates me. The ability to communicate my ideas in English is wonderful, but what about all the other people out there? I know words are cheap and often a very poor way to describe something, but it’s all we’ve got for the job. I really want to be able to express myself articulately to everyone.

The problem is my lack of talent. From what I’ve ever read, people who deal with language are generally really good at picking them up. I wouldn’t really know though, would I? I’ve been speaking English all my life, and been hearing German as long as I can remember. I was in a really poor learning situation for Spanish too…

I really want to take French next year, and in college, as many other languages as I can. Am I a freak?

> “Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting–
> “Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
> Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
> Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door!
> Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
> Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”
– Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

Jeux d’Enfants

The cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me.

I spent the whole day being happy. Honestly, happy, and it wasn’t because I was with you. I went to church and sat with Lisa. I went to Goodwill with her to find a costume for monday. We ate at some mexican place, and I didn’t die! We went to Seattle– and I didn’t die (thought it made me sad.) I found the one movie I’ve been meaning to watch for a while, Jeux d’Enfants, and it was wonderful. I watched it with Molly, Lisa, and Anna. The ending confused me, but it made me want to believe in Love.

For those of you with the Aim virus/thing/ishness, you already know my advice. Do not use Windows! For those of you not willing to heed my advice, try a system restore. For those of you with stupidity on the mind and are somewhat competent, the trojan is called directX.exe, found in windows/system32 folder. It’s actually not that big of a deal, just don’t panic. I’m here if you need me.

I am loved, so are you. And my, oh my, you’re needy. I will never screen my calls ever, for I honestly love you, even if you cause me the pain of the whole world. Remember, pain is relative.

Jeu ou pas jeu?


Some people mean the world to me. I was freaking out for a large portion of the night, but some people really came through and loved me, just me, all alone for the person that I am. Some people look amazing, perhaps in part by the contrast of their drab costume. Some people spread lies and deceit, and it honestly, hurts. Revenge is sweet, but hurting your friends is better. 12 brownies later, I’m still fat, so life is okay.

I was worried about the party. I was worried about who would come, what we would do, and what we would eat. I was preoccupied with jerks to the point where I couldn’t greet the guests I really wanted to. I kept gravitating to people who clearly desired privacy. I didn’t see any shooting stars and I certainly didn’t see God.

The party was great, some people were better. I am incredibly disappointed with a few people though. What’s worse, the person who does something awful, or the person who knows about that something awful and does nothing. That’s going on in my heart right now; it hurts.

Some people have everything I want and more. They’re perfectly happy. I am not having what I want, whom I want. But I’m still happy most of the time. Not right now though. Will everything be alright? There has to be something more important in life than couples. It’s hard to think that when I realize how much I want a date just so I can fit in with them.

I feel like I’m dehydrating in a very, very hot bath. I sit in it to relax in water that is simply too hot. I become faint. The irony plays out when I realize that the thing I need to feel better is ubiquitous and actually causing most of the pain. If I do fall in, I stand a good chance of drowning.

I Give In

I told myself that I wouldn’t be writing for a while, but I cannot stand this. The server may still be in pieces, but I can at least transfer this when things are working again.

Tonight was truly amazing. I cannot explain every facet to you, and honestly, I’m not sure I would even want to if I could. I actually marched! I gained an incredible amount of more respect for you all; I find it amazingly hard. Actually, when I was really thinking about it and not worrying about looking foolish, it felt right. The show was mediocre, but at least my keyboard worked. Friendship mail was amazing. I’m now in-charge of the folder. Too bad that was the last game.

That was the last game? It certainly doesn’t feel like it at all. I feel as if we have a hundred more games to go to and suffer through. The best part is, it wasn’t actually suffering this time. I really felt happy about the whole thing, not playing and all. I was happy to see all of you, and for most of the game, I just sat up and stared at you.

My sister is amazing; I’m really starting to think she might actually join band next year. And I’m okay with that. Quite honestly, all the eighth graders are pretty cool in my book. It takes guts to get out there and play with us, I know since I’ve done it! It’s hard and I admire them.

The party was amazing too. The theme was fitting and the whole place well-decorated. The food was delicious and the company superb. I’m glad I changed my mind and decided to go. There were a few awkward moments that I should have fixed, and I feel really upset about now that I look back on them. I understand that, that might have been the perfect opportunity to make friends with several people, but I just sat motionless. Not everything can be perfect though, can it? I still feel great about the party though. The mood continued nicely until I dropped everyone off. I was lonely then.

I’m beginning to realize how much I’m going to miss you. I know it’s not over yet, but it is so true. I will miss you being unable to keep your mouth to yourself, I will miss you eating cereal out of a box, and I will miss my entire section. This is my family, and you’re going off to college. I guess I should just be happy that these things have happened to me and move on. You’ll always be a part of me. I can’t help but cry all over you though and I’m sorry.

Toasted marshmallows are incredible. I plan on having them up in Flagstaff for my birthday. Does that bother you?