Band Camp

Excuse the less than creative title please, I’m really not in a mood for your witty quips about my creative (or lack thereof) talent. I’m actually really not in the mood for anything but some advice, but I think that’ll have to wait until later. I need closure on this whole camp thing. Ready, go.

That was the worst camp I’ve ever been to. Sorry, but it really was. And before you say anything about me whining, know that I’m not going to talk about a shower shortage. Alright, I lied, but the lie won’t engulf this entire thing. It was a huge and slightly disgusting inconvenience to have to walk out for a shower. It was awful, but I survived. Right, next is it then? Some people don’t realize how much of an impact they have on me. Just like Mr. Lang said (one of the few things I did appreciate during the whole ordeal), people are most effected when you can hurt them and do hurt them. I take everything uttered or done so incredibly deeply into myself that I’m often suprised I’m still alive. I took a huge risk, for myself to maybe finally move out of myself a bit, and tried talking to someone new as requested. I was blankly refused and walked away from; I don’t know when I’ve ever been upset in such a way before. More, I’m really getting incredibly sick of the ridiculous, snide remarks about what I’m playing this year. I know it’s without point, and looks (and frankly sounds) out of place, but you don’t have to tell me about it. “Don’t tell me we actually have an electric keyboard!” Guess what, fuck you. You made me cry all night on that uncomfortable bed that didn’t fit the frame that literally had bugs crawling out of it. I’ve never been upset in that manner before either; I’ve never been unhappy and embarrassed about what I’m playing.

The most ironic thing is, I took percussion at the expense of piano. I thought it would be worthwhile to finally branch out and learn something new. It was hard to do, and I had a lot of second thoughts about it, but I did do it and now I’m slapped in the face with this. “Shut up and sit down, bitch, this is all you’ll ever play.” I cannot even hold four mallets anymore. I spent a lot of time beating myself up practicing to finally come to a point where I might look respectable playing them. I’ve spent a lot of time with bandages, with the metronome, and an extreme temper getting there. This is more than a setback, this is permeant embarrassment; I’m not sure I can continue.

Even through all this hate and crime against my goals, I found myself crying even more at the thought of loosing everyone. This is their last year, the last year with the most beautiful people I know. This is the last year they’ll see the soap be passed on, and the last time I’ll see them eat too much chocolate with me. This is the last time I’ll hug them, or hold them when things get tough. This is the last time I’ll be able to experience them.

That’s really what the whole thing was about for me though: the people. My experience with band is now awful, but other people are still pulling me through with them. I love them so dearly and that’s the difference. I spent every last ounce of energy I had to making sure I didn’t waste a minute more of time with them and I was cheerful for a great portion of this wonderful excusrion. I’ve done my best to ignore all of what lies above my friendships and pull above them with my own unique smoothie of true happiness. And you see, that’s the good out of this whole thing; I have one year of Pit left and I’m going to get through it with my friends. My personal struggles are simply a postscript to all of this, and it consists of a single sentence: ‘And I really mean it.’ I mean everything I say, do, and think to and of my friends, all of you.

I hope we’re friends.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Too Negative

The last bit made me sound more like myself than anything and it’s making me dissatisfied. There are a few things I am really happy about.

V for Vendetta. I love it. I love it more with Natalie in it.

Two heart-felt (even though I used you) hugs.

Still no sign of Ford on Atlantis.

The pride of a job well-done (World Geogrpahy and History finished.)

Pit.

People I finally know in my cabin.

Excellent Stargate episodes (from Friday) and Battlestar Galatica in a few hours.

Harry Potter in German (finally!)

22 September 2005

Blog Birthday!

Love.