It’s funny, that even if you’re better than perfect in one thing, less than perfect in another still means less than perfect. I scored better than perfect on two midterms in linguistics last week. In fact, one teacher commented in writing and to me personally after class, imploring me to continue to become a linguist. The sad fact of the matter, though, is that I couldn’t feel happy about this, I couldn’t feel pleased with my accomplishments. I instead continue to feel upset and angry about a completely different midterm I didn’t do as well on. 100/100 and 155/150 seems worthless when on the same table as a 67/100. Sometimes the lows are so low, that the good feels fucking cheap.
I know that I like being in Computer Science, but I also know that the program wasn’t designed for a person like me. I’m having a hard time explaining why the program bothers me, but I can also recognize that I really haven’t enough experience to truly judge it quite yet. On the other hand, I know where the money lies, and the expectations people have of me. I’m positive I love being in linguistics, and I also doing very well. Despite this, I fear the rejection of those “holier than thou”, who deem the field inferior to “hard science”. I’m having a very hard time reconciling my concerns.
I don’t know what to do. I feel panicky and anxious all of the time, which I can only assume to be a natural part of growing up and moving along into an adult life. I’m scratching at the sides of a dark well I don’t think I’ll be able to climb out of, even though I realize that in the end I’ll get out. I feel like a starship taking hit after hit, shields failing and the hull buckling, and yet continuing forward just the same. More than anything, I’d just like to not be afraid anymore, and remember that things do work out in the end. I’m listening to Christmas music early right now, because it makes me feel calm and purposeful.