You know what you did was wrong. You may not show it in all the right ways and you may never let anyone know it, but I think deep down you know what you did was wrong. But that doesn’t mean giving up is right. Giving up your life isn’t the right to correct the wrong.
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives. There are reasons behind everything. Write off any mistake for a video game, poor parenting, or social neglect, but I’ve got a feeling that it goes deeper. These reasons aren’t excuses or solutions to mistakes, and you can’t ever undone what’s wrong. But there is also a reason, a human reason for a mistake. I think there are two ways you can see the world. You can either see the sadness in the world, or you can filter that sadness out. I’m not lying when I say I don’t blame her. She hurt me, but I hurt someone else in return. I’m not excusing myself, I made a mistake. Even so, loneliness is a powerful motivator. I’m selfish, jealous, alone, unhappy, and most importantly, human. Forgive me, I’ve been seeing sadness.
When I think about it, when my mind begins to wander, there’s nothing I can do but see the sadness. Every spare moment my life is punctuated by my mistakes, no matter how wild, exciting, or happy the sentence before it might have been. I don’t sleep well, I just lie there and think. I try to continue to live, but all I think of are mistakes and my chest gets tight and I can’t really breathe… My dreams– my life –is always filled with sadness and I all I want is for it to go away.
“It happens at different times for different people, but it happens to everybody. It’s the worst part about growing up, heartbreak, but it’s a part of life. It seems like a pretty big part. That’s why you have to believe life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo.” Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this mess that I’ve made, there’s a reason. You know I’m sorry, but nothing, nothing– not tears, prayers, or apologies can make what’s happened go away.
Finally, perhaps there’s a reason for that none of this ever goes away. Maybe we’re not afraid of the bad things in life. Maybe we’re afraid of the good things in our lives. So scared, in fact, that we put up defensive walls, act out terrible deeds, and sleep nights filled with tears of regret. Maybe we just need– make the bad stuff so we can remember how great the good stuff is. You’ve got to remember that there’s something bigger to life than your mistake.
You know I’m sorry; that doesn’t change anything, but I am. Let me know that you hear me, let me feel your touch. Just promise me that someday everything will be okay again. After all, it’s only fair. I’m here to promise you something: I’m done making mistakes. Let me know that you love me, an I’ll let that be enough.
Who am I really kidding? Who have I been kidding when I say things will be better in time. I’ve just realize that I was lied to, to prevent the overbearing, psychopathic friend– fag –from reappearing. I’ve just realized that now I get to deal with that, and I don’t want to. Leave me alone. Stop taunting me!
I’ve been pretending this whole time that friendship is feasible, but it’s been a lie. In fact, my entire life these past few months has really been a lie. I’ve been loving the wrong thing, and that makes it upset. Since when did loving become a sin. My favorite part is how much everyone else will leave the moment it’s back. How is it fair that I should have to leave my life behind and start anew just to be happy?
The worst part is I still want to be there for you, be happy for you, love you, maybe. But at this point, I would have taken thank you over anything else and the accompanying heartbreak.
The Borg say humanity lacks harmony, cohesion, and greatness. I say we have the one thing to offer that the Borg never could: friendship. I’ve said it before, but I think it’s important to say.
Loving my friends gets me through my bad times. I returned the computer I thought would get me through the summer today; it was a symbolic hurt. I spent the night alone, reading and watching Voyager. And yes, sometimes it would be nice to hear that you love me, but until then, this is what I’m offering you. Please take it; resistance isn’t futile.
I really want to wake up to a rainy morning with my friends. I’d make you banana pancakes and we can pretend it’s the weekend. It’s a good song too, but yes, I really like you.
“His hand closed automatically around the fake Horcrux, but in spite of everything, in spite of the dark and twisting path he saw streching ahead for himself, in spite of the final meeting with Voldemort he knew must come, whether in a month, in a year, or in then, he felt his heart life at the thought that there was still one last golden day of peace left to enjoy with Ron and Hermione.”
I can’t explain how much of a surpise and joy this passage gave me. I’ve never fully done it justice, but I don’t think I have to. The love I have for my friends should be more than enough to explain.