Kernel version:
Darwin Kernel Version 8.5.0: Sun Jan 22 10:38:46 PST 2006; root:xnu-792.6.61.obj~1/RELEASE_PPC
panic(cpu 0 caller 0xFFFF0003): 0×300 – Data access
Latest stack backtrace for cpu 0:
Kernel loadable modules in backtrace (with dependencies):
com.apple.driver.AppleDBDMAAudio(2.5.6b5)@0x7a4000
dependency: com.apple.iokit.IOAudioFamily(1.5.5b2)@0×554000
com.apple.iokit.IOAudioFamily(1.5.5b2)@0×554000
dependency: com.apple.iokit.IOUSBFamily(2.2.8)@0x43a000
Exception state (sv=0x49C8E280)
PC=0x90A6E488; MSR=0x0000F030; DAR=0x2C116040; DSISR=0×40000000; LR=0x91415B40; R1=0xF01F69A0; XCP=0×00000030 (0xC00 – System call)
My life is lonely without people. It’s one massive kernel panic, mostly in the audio sub-systems. It’s what I’m not hearing that makes me want to just give up.
“I’m happy because I’m stupid. I’m scared of spiders, and I’m scared of life. If I wasn’t so happy, I wouldn’t be so scared of dying.”
I got a new fish today. It’s named Charlie.
I got left alone a lot, but I feel okay with it.
If I had never known you, I wouldn’t be feeling this. I’m fragile.
The pages keep turning, but in reverse. I understand a little less each day.
I’m excited for a percussion documentary.
I’m excited for my new amplifier and speakers.
I’m ready for college– scared of leaving though.
I’m ready for tomorrow; be gentle with me, please.
That old saying, about how you always kill the thing you love, well, it works both ways.
And it worked both ways.
I’m not entirely sure why I keep going to these things. Maybe somewhere I’m clinging to a hope and a dream of a crown, a roaring crowd, and someone to embrace when the embarrassment is simply too much. I dream, you’ll win it instead; it all seems a bit futile. Or maybe deeper, maybe I just want someone to be with, or maybe a group of people not destined on getting the perfect picture, happiest dinner, or the most sensual dance moves. Probably more to the point, I’m just a jealous prick. That’s it.
I’m so entirely convinced that “different” is simply a polite euphemism for “worse”. Really what else can it mean? If you run away from the world to one person, what am I supposed to think. If you leave without saying goodbye, who’ll I say goodbye to?
Anyway. All I really know is I used to see you here a lot, but now I’m lucky to see your shadow, you were gone before I knew you were even there, and in the end I was left alone in my car trying to figure out how I had been duped. I don’t really know what to say, what to do, what to believe in, the works. If I want, I could believe in God, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never get any sign of it either. I could believe in you, but what’s the point in believing in ghosts?
I do my best everyday, but it’s never enough– I’m always behind. It’s one thing to take things a day at a time, but it’s another for someone to be perfect taking it one day at a time too. I want to score well with some numbers, and I hope to be happier as a result. Maybe I just want to win a cool hat and appreciation of a large mass of people. Actually, that’s not it at all. I just want to be recognized by a few people, those people whom I can’t stop thinking about.
Everyone is onto the best years of their lives, and I can think about is what it might feel like for them to go on living without me. I suppose I’m not homecoming king, and there’s no one to wave to– there never has been. I saw that coming.
Edit: Something’s been plaguing me. Did they really just forget, or is their decision truly a reflection of who I am? What about thrown punches and rocks, mere accidents or a gift from the skies above? What does it mean, who just leaves like that? Who?