“To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.” — Anne-Sophie Swetchine
I feel blues. That’s all there is to it. Quiet jazz in the background, sipping a glass of something, trying my best not to fall asleep to the upsetting variety of thoughts. Some part of what I think each day still clings to the possibility, the hope that something will come around, that I’ll get my wish. The real trouble is I’m not sure if I really want it, or just want the wanting of it.
Caring for one person extends my compassion to all others. I’ve noticed that, and it’s a pleasant sort of knowledge. If I can smile at someone, I leave the room happier. If I get a hug or share an inside joke, I’ll leave happy. It’s at this point that leaving doesn’t phase me– it just is, there’s better things to concentrate on.
Tomorrow is a big day, classical day. That’s how I imagine it– fine-tuned and mathematical, yet still fused with emotion. Someone is going to cry, I just know that it will happen. It might not even be a bad thing, maybe even in combination with laughter. Who knows.
I wish I understood why some things get to be better. In order for anyone to be the best, someone has to be the worst.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” – Erica Jong
How long has it been since you promised yourself tomorrow would be the day that you become the change you want to see in the world? Or did you promise to come clean with the truth to yourself or someone else? Maybe it’s just time.
Do you ever think that Judas wasn’t really that evil? He was an apostle just like the rest, and it was to fulfill scripture that he betray Jesus. What if Judas was just a victim of a design bigger than himself?
Well, whatever, anyway, do what you want all wrapped in one, I’m going, going– gone. I’m trying really hard to pretend that people care. Maybe we’re all pawns to each other, using people as means to ends in games designed for personal profit. Fuck this, I’m leaving.
I lied today about my greatest fear. While what I said was true (or many reasons, mostly the fact that I watched too much Star Trek growing up, I fear the Borg) it’s not the true zenith of angst in my life. More than anything else, I’m petrified by someone leaving. Anyone, it doesn’t matter, but if you go I’ll turn cold, unresponsive, and–
I used to dream of my parents leaving me in an orphanage, now you die in my dreams. I used to cry when my parents left me at school, alone. Now I get puffy when someone goes to bed for the night. More than anything, I’m afraid of loosing someone, and knowing we’re just mortals isn’t helping me in the least.
What’s your greatest fear?