Never is promise, and you cannot afford to lie.
I have so much going on in my head that I think it’s simply best to just let things be. I’m finding solace in homework, and it’s really weird. This busy work keeps my mind occupied and refuses to allow it to create it’s own diversions of fantasy. And yet, I somehow feel that all of this is keeping me from what really matters, what I really need to be doing.
And maybe some faith would do me some good.
Do you know the times when you most want to just curl up and die? Do you ever just hold on to yourself just hoping that the whirlwind of the world will pass you by? Have you ever opened your window to let a frigid draft in so that you might have to curl up a little tighter? I was like that this morning, very early. Fortunately, I had the wise idea to watch my favorite: “How are you feeling? –Safe, when I’m with you I feel so safe.”
The christmas trees in our house are complete. They are lovely. It’s not so much that they are beautiful, in-fact, they’re quite ugly, especially if you don’t understand the meaning behind them. One of them is full of all the family’s ornaments: from my Star Trek collection to my sisters first grade masterpiece. The other is old, and fake, but it spins around in my memories and I love it for that.
The new transmission worked beautifully and I conquered the hill all the way to Flagstaff. The engine on the beast purrs like it did when it was brand new. And I love it. I love driving it, and I love being in it. The four-wheel drive is fun in the mud and it’s fun to drive in the snow. It’s fun to be, and I love it.
It’s fucking cold up there. I’m sorry, but there is no way anyone can survive that without serious will-power. I guess it’s different with friends, but it’s still incredibly cold. Indeed, I can almost guarantee that everyone in anywhere is going to be just as cold. Not unlike the human heart. I guess it warms with other people though?
We proceeded to hunt for the perfect tree and eventually found one. I’ve got mounds of photos to prove that I was there, but somehow, they don’t help me. I think that everything I’ve been through today will be lost soon, and I’ll loose the “magic” of the trip with my family, but at least I know that things can be good. The tree is one of the better ones we’ve cut down in a long while.
> Stille Nacht! Heil’ge Nacht!
> Alles schläft; einsam wacht
> Nur das traute hoch heilige Paar.
> Holder Knab’im lockigten Haar,
> Schlafe in himmlischer Ruh!
>
> Stille Nacht! Heil’ge Nacht!
> Hirten erst kundgemacht
> Durch der Engel Alleluja,
> Tönt es laut bei Ferne und Nah:
> “Jesus der Retter ist da!”
Yes, I know they different characters won’t transfer over to the mirrors properly, but I don’t think you’ll be able to read them even if they did. Don’t worry about missing, german text.
“Jesus, the King, is here.” I really adore this song. Admittedly, it’s mostly because it’s in German, but it has a way of making everything seem alright. No matter how much work is left, how many people detest you, or how much you lie in one evening, this can calm you down. I guess I saw something that wasn’t there, and now I’m paying for it so dearly. I’ve ruined more than one thing tonight, and I can’t say that I’m happy. It is over before it has begun, and it’s not a bad thing.
Ich will aller Welt Schonung verhieß. Ich will Ruhe in der Welt; ich will das Lieben. Du hast mich beenden und ich sterbe in deiner Arms. Die ganze Weile, siehst du wichtigeres jemand: ein Geheimnis und ein Schatten. Ich habe die Freundschaft beendet, die ich am meisten wünschte. Ich hasse mich für es. Und im eigentlichen Ende, wenn alles scheint, besser zu sein, macht es nicht aus, weil die vollkommene Gruppe von Ihnen mich immer haßt. Ich liebe Sie immer, aber Sie vergessen mich; ie hassen mich immer. Ich weiß nicht, warum sage ich diese auf Deutsch. Ich fühle mich sicher.
You know that feeling when you realize that it’s over before it’s begun? I suppose that’s how I feel now, about everything I’ve ever done before in my whole life. I am starting to believe that I’m not smart enough for my supposed initials, and my name seems fake. Have I really died? I missed living!
I’m sorry that I do everything wrong. I want to do the whole thing over. Be it known that I admire you more than you realize. I kind of wish I could march. I love you more than you know. I kind of wish I was more approachable. And I’ll always be here if you can ever find it in yourself to not hate me. That didn’t sound right, but what more can I say. I love you, all of you, and I think that’s enough.
I need more of you. I know we’re just “friends”, but can’t we still be close? Rest assured, I am the last one to suggest anything romantic, but I need to see more of you. I feel like the only reason I went to this supposed movie night was to be with you, but in the end, I’m fairly certain that I annoy and cause so much doubt. You’re wonderful, and I can never get enough. I’m needy.
You say that you don’t like them more than you like me, you just happen to like them differently. I suppose I could liken this to family love as opposed to romantic love, but that doesn’t make it any easier on me. It hurts so much that you care about them so much, but me so little, especially considering how much I love you. Now I’m just being selfish; I’m really sorry. It hurts to be different, I guess.
> “I’m in love. I love you.”
> “That’s wonderful, keep loving.”
I want to study neo-fascism, eh, economics. Except I really don’t, I just wanted to say that. Is that honest enough for you? Quite honestly, I expect the same out of. Where were you tonight? I hope you’re quite satisfied with the person you are, because I certainly am not. Where were you tonight? No, don’t tell me. I really hope that you’re okay, and yes, I know.
And hot-damn, I’m cryptic! Pronouns twist my thoughts into words they should never be. It’s probably very important to note that “you” hardly ever refers to a single person, ever. I just want to make it clear that I’m not super creepy and such.
I thought of a new title for my book: “In Cold Blood.” It’s good, isn’t it? I’m just kidding, I want to title it “I’m Needy.”