I think I’ve finally figured out what my problem is (in reference to the last post.)
I want people to like me. Wow, I really wish it was that simple, and maybe it is is? That was confusing. More elaborately, I think it can boil down to this.
- I want people to like me.
- I don’t want talk to people because I am afraid.
- I am afraid of making a fool of myself.
- To avoid talking in order to prevent the fool bit, I employ sarcasm, rude comments, or anything else capable of keeping people at a safe distance from me.
I think that is it; I don’t like it.
I’m quite possibly the most awkward kid around.
The entire night of this wonderful, or supposed wonderful concert, I just sat there, and stared. I wish I could smack myself, but I’m just so numb to everything! Sure, I may have played marginally well, and yes, it turned out nice enough. I may have worn the right outfit, and I may have even said hi when I should have. Yet, I find myself sitting here mentally smakcing (for lack of physical ability) myself for not doing anything. No, that was not a drug refrence.
“He just sits there and observes… He does that, and you may think he’s nice, but he really is evil, uttering things under his breath,” or so Ian so eloquently put it. As much as I resent that, it’s so true. For example, we were in the hallway waiting and everyone, but me, was deep in conversation. If I wasn’t being a wallflower then, I’ll throw myself off a bridge. He says hi, I don’t, she waves, I smirk. What the hell is wrong with me.
And maybe I really don’t have to be friends with them (even though I’d like to.) But does that really mean I have to stand there like rock whenever they come near me?
People are trying to be nice, or at least have be the end of their latest joke and all that I can do is say something sarcastic and turn away. I am the most awkward kid I have ever met, and that is saying something.
I’m in love with it.
Okay, love might be a bit much for this conversation with myself, but I really do like it. I loved playing. Wow, there goes that word again, sorry. I really enjoyed that other people just sat there and enjoyed what we were giving out. It was wonderful that people appreciated what I couldn’t even do. Hah, I don’t think they were clapping for my mistakes, but it made me feel nice anyways.
We played a bunch of stuff that we shouldn’t have, but somewhere, between the frantic flipping between k and t, I found the right “s-song” and really learned that I’ve been putting too much thought into this. I have the ability to read the music in my sleep, and I have a pretty good understand of the layout of the pan. What I don’t have is any confidence. So guess what I did! I just gave up, and BOOM, I’m playing. Ladies and gentleman, that is the epitome of awesomeness. Wow. I am still in amazement.
I figure at some point I should maybe dance with everyone else. I watched the video my parents made of it, and even I will admit that it looks like it contains trace-amounts of fun. Also, Take On Me is a great song.
Yea for Steel Band!
I was interviewed, against my will mind you, about this incarnation of my life, today. Why is it there? You have your own? How often do you write? Are you afraid of the complete strangers that could be reading it?
Why anything? Blah. First, I hate talking to people I don’t know, so the jerks that made me do the interview (you know who you are) will suffer someday. Wait, I lie. I love those people for making me do the interview and I love them just because they are that spectacular. Enough of the gushy though, right? The real issue is why am I do doing this?
Short answer: because I want to. Seeing as how the short answer never really works for anyone, I think I’ll clarify that a bit. When I started this, It wasn’t my intention to share every facet of my life with the world, or allow any random individual spy on me. I wasn’t out looking to hook-up and I certainly wasn’t looking for a stalker. In actuality, I don’t really know what I was looking for, or what I wanted to do. Honestly, it was more of a feeling– I felt that I should have a place to share in this massive web of information.
This incarnation of my thoughts, wants, and desires has evolved over the months that I have been running it, updating it. I have gone from nervous first year, to angered youth, to love-trampled guy over and over, and yet, this has always been a constant. I don’t want to sound desperate, but this niche has always been here for me, and always will (in some manner.) I like to think that something I have to say might have some effect of someone too, but that may just be wishful thinking.
In general, I write to keep myself sane. I want to know that somehow, I can communicate to the world who I am, and what I believe in. I want the world to know me, and I want to know myself. So far, in my new car, I’ve driven a total of 6024 miles. That doesn’t even compare to the massive journey that this blog has taken and will take me, through my own future.