This morning, I felt like a complete stranger walking around in my own skin. You know what I mean, I hope. My neck was always at a weird angle, my shirt was always hanging off me at the wrong angle, or my hair would fall into my face at just the wrong time. I couldn’t do anything, or speak to anyone properly. Hell, I couldn’t even program two lines worth of code…
And then you have me right now. I am sky-rocketing out of my seat with unpronounced joy. I have no idea why, and honestly, I can say that I should be sad right now. Perhaps I’ve finally figured out that even if she does say no, I can still be happy. What a nice thought. Nice, but it’s beside the point. I miss my PIT friends though; tomorrow night promises to be something worth a wait, however.
Okay, so I had decided to completely ignore this blog for a few days while my domain and hosting was being transfered (yes, DNS(Domain Name System) resolutions suck supremely.) I had thought it might give me a way to clear my mind, and take a few days off from what I might have to think. You know, observe the world and take other’s opinions for a change? The transfer of hosts was just an excellent time to put such a plan in motion.
Seeing as how my domain has still to resolve I’ve been keeping my silence for a while now. But after reading something quite inspirational, from one of the most inspiration people I’ve ever met, I changed my mind. What’s one more entry anyhow?
What is going on with me? Shall I start with some current events, or event rather. The election, perhaps, is a worth topic to discuss. ARGH! Heh, that’s exactly what I do whenever anyone mentions it to me. Nearly ever person I’ve been around the past few days is obsessed with it. And it’s not a health obsession either, it’s an extremely scary side of Americans that I haven’t noticed until about now. As per the results of the actual thing, I couldn’t really care. I’m not, not happy with it, but I can’t say I wouldn’t have not been happy had the other alternative came out on top (yea, I confused myself too with that one.)
I have decided that I am liking my hair now. I mean, sure, there are days, well usually just mornings, that I just want to chop it all off and go back to the way I was, but there are certainly perks to the way I have it now. First, it’s easier, second, people say they like it more, and thirdly, I felt it blow in the wind today. How cool is that. Yes, that was quite random. Yes, I say yes a lot.
Who am I kidding. All this quasi-happy text coming from my fingers is really not the way I am feeling right now. What ! might you ask? Well during this intermission from myself, I’ve noticed quite a lot. I’ve noticed a lot of something that you might not expect me to get upset about. I’ve noticed change. People that I once respected and admired to an extreme extent suddenly turning into rude, low-base, scheming people is not my idea of a change for the better. But what’s causing it? What causes such nice people to change into something like that? Perhaps, it’s just me, perhaps I’m changing. Actually, I really hope that it’s not me, because if it is, I’m not sure I’d know what to do from here.
So I finally revealed something pretty important about me to someone pretty important to the situation. Scratch that, a few people very important to me found out. And it’s a good found out, too. It feels that I’ve somehow been saved from having to do what I want to do so badly alone. I feel I finally have someone who might understand, maybe even relate to. That might be a stretch, because even though I love the people who know, our time together is limited and we’re not exactly good friends. I can always hope though, can’t I?
I’m trying to get out there; I’m trying to voice what I have to say. I’m trying to take the advice of more than one person and just talk more. I try, and I fail. I can’t stand putting myself out like that. Maybe it’s because I’m just not a loud person, or that I am afraid. I’m jealous a lot. Mostly of just a few, perfect people, that just simply awesome. Alright, you caught me. I’m jealous of PIT. I wish I could talk to them, and be something a bit more like them. But you have to talk first, eh? See my problem?
The romantic me is still stuck in the mud. Or perhaps that I’ve lost it, and haven’t the heart to go back for it. Maybe even, I don’t want it back because honestly, I’m scared of it? Who knows, the point is, I’ve not pursued that aspect of my life since I told those people my secret. Perhaps there’s nothing to act upon, and it’s just a wonderful fantasy I have. Part of me wishes that was true, but some of me, screams to actually do something about it. I am hoping for some time to talk to my friends about it tomorrow during the game. Maybe someone else can help me…
I feel really sick right now. Not only am I emotionally confused, my throat feels like crap. I’ve been outside in 40 degree weather for the past two days. Cold doesn’t agree with me too much, I guess. I’m not enjoying the things I once did, and honestly, PIT isn’t getting better anymore. I am going to hate myself for saying that soon; PIT is almost over.
Yours truly,
Confused